Like death and taxes, your kid screwing up
is inevitable. And when they are little, it’s cute. My daughter with her hands
on her hips, telling me “I ‘issapointed in you, mom!” never fails to make me
laugh. But research shows that a toddler’s self-control
is one of the first and earliest predictors of success. And how you go about
teaching your child that self-control can have a profound impact on the rest of
their life.
One popular form of discipline is public
humiliation. Images of parents dressing like their teenage daughters in short
skirts or sons standing on the side of the road with signs announcing their
sins to passersby have gone viral. And while it may be tempting to post a
picture of your toddler on Facebook with a caption announcing, “My name is
Roxie and I poop on the floor.”—think again. Publicly shaming your child
can have a profound impact on their psyche.
According to a recent article in Time:
Studies consistently show, for example,
that children whose parents used humiliation to discipline them grew up to be
less confident and more prone to mental health disorders such as anxiety and
depression. And shaming connected with an issue related to sexuality—like
making your daughter stand in public with a sign related to a racy dance
move—may lead to even more damaging effects. While repeated and blatant
humiliation is the most dangerous, experts say that even rare or minor
humiliations can do harm.
And the risk is more than just your child.
A child with poor impulse control is more likely to become a bully and act out
their aggression on others. Children
who become bullies often have many characteristics in common,
including inconsistent discipline at home and a lack of self-esteem. In
sum, research shows what we all intuitively know: If you teach your child
violence, they will be violent. If you teach your child shame, they will shame
others. No one wants to think of their child as the aggressor. But the truth
is, how we model discipline becomes our child’s model for the world. And as
parents our first test comes when the first tantrum is thrown, the first tiny
fist is raised in rage.
Right after my son, my second child, was
born, I was exhausted. Running low on patience and, well, everything, I
found myself yelling at my daughter. And not just yelling—full-on screaming. I
wasn’t proud of myself. My husband would come home and find me in tears,
frustrated at both myself and my daughter who was finding new and creative ways
to act out. One day, after a particularly rough morning, we were at the park
and I caught her screaming at some other children. Maybe she would have
screamed regardless, but watching my child model my behavior was a wakeup call.
True, we can’t be perfect all the time; nor should we place that
expectation on our own shoulders or the shoulders of other parents. But when we
screw up, I think it’s important to acknowledge that behavior to our children
and apologize. Holding ourselves to the standard that we hold them to.
Lyz Lenz
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